Aha Moment

I have never done anything like this before, so I'm actually kind of nervous to start. I want this blog to be my outlet so I am going to try to be very honest and sincere about my feelings, which isn't easy for me....so bare with me.

I got my wisdom teeth pulled this morning....OUCH!!! This blog is going to be written on a Vicodin high, so I'm sorry if I start to ramble.

I am "preparing" my mouth for the braces that I'm going to get next month. Why would a 32 year old want to get braces this late in the game, you ask....Well, my smile has been a major source of insecurity for me. Your smile is the first thing people notice about you...so I am going to attempt to fix mine. Who knows if the insecurity will go away...I don't think my smile is the only thing that makes me insecure, but it's a start I guess.

So anyway, I was sitting at home on my Vicodin high and I decided to search YouTube for inspiring or happy videos that would take my mind off my pain. I stumbled upon suprise pregnancy announcements (Am I the only one that loves those!!) The thing with YouTube is that one video leads to another video and that video leads you to another one and so on and so forth. Three hours later I must have viewed about 100 videos about pregnancy, birth, c-sections, you name it. Why all the pregnancy videos, you might be thinking?? Well I have the baby bug again in the worst way. I have two little boys already who are 4 and 2, but recently I have just been craving to be pregnant again. I think some of it is because two of my friends at work are both expecting and are due the same day in June; but I think a BIG part of it is that I still want to "experience" childbirth. What I mean by that is that my first two sons were born via C-section, and I have yet to experience REAL childbirth...now I don't want to get any nasty responses to that comment, I'm just saying, for me, I don't feel like I have really had a true birthing experience.

With my first son, I had tremendous Postpartum Depression and with my second son things didn't get much better and I am starting to think that it's because of the traumatic experience of having a c-section. Needless to say, I have to do a lot more research on this, but I really feel that the reason I want to have another baby is because I am desperately seeking to have that bonding moment that I never had with my first two sons.

My husband and I were going to try to start trying for our third next summer, so I have a lot of time to do research about vaginal births after multiple c-sections, but I know I have an uphill battle ahead of me. Most doctors will not do a vaginal birth after one c-section, let alone two, but I faith that the Lord will point me in the right direction, because the desire of my heart at this moment is to experience birth to the fullest...whatever that may mean.

Til next time.....